First time around pregnant with Nathaniel, was such a halo of feel-good emotions, I was showered with so much love and attention and I revelled in being pms-free for a whole 9 months and more!
Second time around, I was truly blessed in that my first trimester went by without as much as a belch, so not much nausea except for a few aversions to smells.
Yes, my energy dipped and mind power got reprioritised into making a whole new brain and beating heart amongst other things… But it was going to get better, because the second trimester was near!
Second trimester hormotions
So this is where I thought I was going to trailblaze – in the second trimester.
Until 16 weeks in and boom! emotions hit. Where I was a wee bit crabby in the first, I got crabbier. I don’t let go of little hurts easily. In fact I bruise with the wind.
I feel ugly, thick, without a waist line nor a baby bump, and all of a sudden I want long hair again.
I feel unloved and neglected (I assert this is half true due to current circumstances and then magnified by hormotions)
Current circumstances are that we have a bright and healthy 2 year old that simply needs more time and active parenting because that’s just normal, and more cuddles because his molars are coming out, and even more cuddles because he’s probably tweaked there’s going to be a reshuffle in family dynamics and may be insecure of his positioning in the family, and yet even more cuddles (and this is the hardest bit) when he’s ill, emotionally less regulated and screaming with simply the normal childhood illnesses.
And then add a husband who is immersed in work and too ill equipped to act on anything, and you get an unhappy wife, who could do a little better in respectful, firm and gentle mothering where end of the tether moments are concerned.
We lost sight of God.
We both due to travels and work, lost a grip on God’s love for us, and therefore lost strength in dealing with life and each other, and became stingy with our time and love.
I’m meant to be an expert on this
And why can’t I do any better myself? I’m a professional, grown up, got over depression and burnout, health warrior, in fact, real good at leading people to better their mental health. Yet my own personal state of mind right now is not emblematic.
Add the self loathing, regret and guilt for my less than stellar actions and inactions, and you have a wonderful picture of how it feels.
I get transported back into my buleimic self harming teenage mindscape again and this is pathetic yet real.
And tears fall.
They drop like a faulty tap.
But we smile for photos.
Action points to be a better parent and to calm the emotions
- Spend time in adoration
- Weekday mass twice a week
- Schedule regular massages/tcm/midwife appointments for self and emotional care
- No phones in bedroom
- Weekly walks as a couple
- Bring back weekly date nights